CURSE ME!

hey silly boy!!

iam ur blog! the blog that u always use just to tell ur stupid feeling! stupid life story! what on earth are u trying to do! telling people bout ur own disgusting secret?? u know what! why dont u just be urself! why not? iam tired of ur annoying life! keep on pretending! hiding urself in the stinky closet! hiding ur feeling towards who? IT? spit out the real name stupid! u know what...u r hurting urself! u r driving ur life to hell! haha...iam happy to see u crying just because of ur own fucking mistakes! u r a good actor! u can still laugh tho u see there is no chances between u n IT?? (what an ugly name)...hey wake up silly boy! u r not dreaming! u r facing with reality! u r not staging a play!

hey my blog..

what i can say is..this is the price!..i owe myself a lot..

DEAR MY BLOG...

Dear My Blog..

i wanna say sth to u..but i know u wont respond to me..but i know u will listen to me..i know u understand me more than anyone else..i know how i can trust u more than anyone else..

dear my blog..

today is a real day for me..the day that i feel the relief..the day that i feel the worries..i burst out! i cry! at the same time i am happy..i am happy because i got friends to share what i feel..but still i feel bad..

dear my Blog..

can u see me crying? cant u at least hush me..today..for the whole day..i have not uttered even a word..i am lost..i feel extremely exhausted..i cry a lot due to this extreme emotional exhaustion...i need my mom's shoulder for me to cry..but i am afraid that she wont accept my unacceptable disgusting tears...

dear my blog...

could please tell me..who really i am? plz..talk to me..i need your support..i dont know if iam being too childish..thinking to much on this stupid matter..i need IT now..

dear my Blog..

do u have the power to change what is fated for me? if u do..plz..i want my IT..only IT has the cure for my pain..

dear my Blog..

could plz help me to ask God..why he chose me to go through all this? why He is so cruel..i dont have the strength to face this...i shivered last nite..doesnt God have heart seeing me suffer like this?

dear my Blog..

u see me laughing? actually i am crying..i miss myself..

my dear Blog..

how i wish i am not myself..how i wish iam not this weak..

Warning: Dont read if u feel like puking now!

i dont know why this kind of feeling strikes me! i seriously hate this stupid feeling...to be honest iam crying while writing this entry...n i dont know what makes me crying..my heart is so badly injured! IT has just tarnished my heart..IT has left a scar which will be there forever...i hate the fact that i need IT...if i were given 2 choices whether to have someone stabbing me or to have to think bout IT, i would definitely choose to have someone stab me! and i know its just a big lie! i cant just stop thinking bout IT..thinking bout IT and dreaming to have it are just killing myself...jealousy!

yeah! but this entry sounds so childish! stupid and poyo..why should i bother bout IT? IT is nothing! IT is not my destiny! yup! IT is just a stain that i need to erase from the diary of my life journey! IT is just a rubbish that i need to throw to somewhere that i will get lost if i try to go there..i know..iam just distorting the fact which iam very sure i cant! but at least i try

The feeling that i experience now hurts me so much! it sth like..someone blades ur wrist without u realizing it...and the time u realize it..its already fucking bloody! God..plz..erase all the memories and thoughts that i have for IT...i need someone to talk to...someone that wont blame me to have such a stupid feeling...iam not good in dealing with myself...iam being too emotional today..too childish..

Ya Allah...kenapa aku yang kau pilih untuk semue ni? kenapa kau sediekn laluan hidup yang penghujungnye adalah neraka utk ak?

Acceptance!

yup! after analyzing a poem entitled " Who Can I tell" i ponder..why some people cant accept other the way they are? why we need to criticize, reject or refuse them? what is the problem when we are different from the majority? we are living in the same world! we are eating the same foods
we drink water! we are created by God! we come from the same root! Adam & Eve! appearance, sexuality, races, ability should not be the reason for us to reject others!

back to the Poem, this poem talks about being gay! how a mother is afraid or maybe paranoid on what will society say bout her family which her son is a gay! she accepts her son but she worries will society accept her son too? to me..what is the problem of being gay? gays are not dangerous! they dont eat human! they are not cannibals! they live like a normal human being! in fact, sometimes they are much more successful than those so called str8 guys!..i bet! gay guys are much more emotionally stronger than others! being gay will bring you to the harsh reality! being gay means you have to face rejections! refusal! and too many cruel reality! the most sadist thing about being gay when u need to tell the true to ur family! or maybe ur family find it by themselves! how the rejection of the family towards u will affect ur life n future!

yup! being rejected is on of the bitter and painful realities to swallow! espclly when it comes from people who are close with u...gays struggle to deal with themselves who are different from majority then they to face the reality that their family also reject them! throw them away! isolate them! see how painful they are?? from where n who should they ask for the courage? motivation and guts to face the society?? cruel society!

to me..being gay is just a matter of sexuality! gays have never intended or prayed to be GAY! in fact being gay is such a heavy burden for them to shoulder! in my personal point of view, being gay, str8 or bisex is not a big deal! u r innocent as long as u r not committing something like taboo..i mean those fucking things! sexuality is all about feeling that comes within us! just like a Str8 boy who falls in love with a girl! the same goes to a boy who in love with another boy..this is unavoidable.. this is about feeling! feeling! which u cant easily turn it off!

just want to remind u that perception can kill! seriously..rejection is a great poison! just look around us..the perception and rejection of society towards gays, ex-drugs addicts, ex-convicts and many more , leads them to rebel and get back to their dark world!

try to learn to accept people the way there are..focus to the love that we have for them! they have never changed! but we are the ones who need to change!

not Everything is llike an instant mi!!

Yup, not EvErYtHiNg is like an instant mi. not everything can be done in just 2 or 3 minutes..infact not a day i gez! just like managing this lovely fucking blog! haiz...when i 1st started composing here, i tot of pouring my thoughts, stupid feelings and daily routine everyday! i was hoping that this gonna be like a diary of NAPEACE SHUAA..haha..but...masa amat mencemburui diri ku ini..huhu! assignments! procrastination! all those damn things! i hate the fact that iam a student! bound with all those freaky things! i feel iam too draggy here! but..i dont know what to write actually! blogging is not actually me! i dont like writing! haha...but i'll try to write as much as i can...

actually, this week might be just an ordinary week for me..nothing interesting has shocked me! but iam actually happy! happy n happy..bole x nak berbangge jap? i really proud to say that i love my new haircut! haha...ish..boring nye! ak yg tulis ni pun bosan tgk entry ni..haha...seriously i have nothing to post..haha..cume best je tgk blog ni makin byk post..haha..ok bye! lg satu mcm bongok je tajuk entry ni..ape2 pun..blasah je!

I hate THIS feeling!!

Sitting alone in my bedroom at 6.00pm drives me to think bout 'it'..i hate this feeling! i hate the reality that i need 'it'! i dont wanna mention what 'it' means to me..'it' might be disastrous to my heart n my feeling! 'it' has got me into TROUBLES too many times..'it' has brought down my tears too many times..it is all about 'it'...all the things that 'it' has done to me are just like an ecstasy pill..it is such a disaster but it makes me feel happy and alive! but as an ecstasy is dangerous, 'it' is taboo.. 'it' is never meant for me..'it' will never bring me into the reality..'it' is just a "wonderful'" dream of mine..'it' will never realize how 'it' has made my life happier n exciting...

too many kind of 'its' come begging for me..but i only stick on my one n only 'it'..i know..this post might bring out a perception (as if i care)..i dont mind..i have used to listen to perceptions bout me..this post is really meant for 'it'..i know 'it' is a literate..hope that 'it' would read or at least have a glance on this post...

i feel hurt n drowned by this! but this is the price that i need to pay when i deal with taboo!

getting MARRIED??

erm..hahaha..huhu...i cant believe that one of my "kawen" friends is getting married today..she was one of my partners bile kite org maen kawen2 when during our childhood..haha..i still remember..we were in my parents' bedroom..n we were acting like we were husband n wife..n my sis acted as our child..haha..one thing that i will not forget is when i asked her " kalau orang kawen bukan kene cium ke?" haha...n she said " aah kn..ko jadi laki ko la kene cium kan"..hahaha..but..hey! we got no chances to kiss2 when my mom "serang " us! haha...thats just a memory..n iam happy to see her now..she is getting married! haha..

talking bout getting married..thanx god..my parents have never mentioned bout this..they have never asked me or my 25 year-old sis about getting married...but yup..my mom several times told me bout how my dad cant wait to spend his money for grand "kerja kawen" (wedding ceremony" ..sounds weird but thats the feeling of a father..but dont worry dad! i will never forget to ask for some amount from u later..hahaha!

but seriously, my sis is busy with her working life..she is an accountant n i can see how busy she is when she will only get back home around 8 or 8.30 pm..she seldom out for the date with her Bf..hence her bf is also involved in accounting world..so?? haha...be patient dad..

n i?? erm..i would never get married i gez..haha...kidding je..but i have never tot bout getting married b4 30..i need to establish my life n my future! i wanna enjoy my sinful life 1st..i wanna do evwy single thing that i want! i dont mind of getting married at my 40s..haha...

so, the conclusion is! congrats ella n her husband! sabau eh..jap ak n akak ak dtg...haha..:)

erm..My 1st Time blogging!

why do i come up with blog?? coz iam tired enuff of reading others'..i think i should have one now! no matter how hard (ye ke??) to manage a blog,,i have to..one thing is..this is the way for me to express what i feel..to share what i have inside! i mean my soul, my mind n my thoughts!

erm..maybe my blog might be the most boring blog that u have ever read!

its ok lol! at least i have one now! yes! iam a blogger! yebbba!! hahah...erm...i, myself feel bored writing n reading what i have just written here..haha...whatever ! at least iam a blogger now! hahahaha..mcm ss je kn..:P

ok! i got to go now! my boring n tiring journey is waiting!! i must at least take a nap...malas nye nak drive!!!! cau!!